Words of Wisdom from Hubby

A few funny lines from e-mails hubby has sent me. Because I'm too lazy to come up with an original post right now...

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see them tumble down the stairs.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Laugh at your problems - everybody else does.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Quotes Vol. 6

It's been a while since I did a post about some of my favorite quotes. Here are some of the longer quotes I like about the Christian walk:

1. Faith is counting on Him when we do not know what tomorrow holds.
When a man or a woman of God fails, nothing of God fails. When a man or a woman of God changes, nothing of God changes. When someone dies, nothing of God dies. When our lives are altered by the unexpected, nothing of God is altered or unexpected. - Charles Swindoll

2. Watch the kind of people that God brings around you, and you will be humiliated to find that this is Hid way of revealing to you the kind of person you have been to Him. "Now," He says, "exhibit to that one exactly what I have shown to you." - Oswald Chambers oh, dear...

3. (Fretting) always ends in sin. We imagine that a little anxiety and worry are an indication of how really wise we are; it is much more an indication of how really wicked we are. Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way. Our Lord never worried and He was never anxious, because He was not out to realize His own ideas; He was out to realize God's ideas. - Oswald Chambers good to remember in times like these...

4. If you read history, you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were those who thought most of the next. The apostles themselves, who set out on foot to convert the Roman Empire, the great men who built up the Middle Ages, the English evangelicals who abolished the slave trade, all left their mark on earth, precisely because their minds were occupied with Heaven. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this one. Aim at Heaven and you will get earth "Thrown in." Aim at earth and you will get neither. - C.S. Lewis and to think that this was written 3 generations ago...

Quotes Vol. 5

As always, if you know who said it and I don't have it credited, please let me know.

1. The aim of education is to enable man to continue his learning.
2. A college education seldom hurts a man if he's willing to learn a little something after he graduates.
3. Education does not mean teaching people to know what they do not know; it means teaching them to behave as they do not behave. - John Ruskin
4. Quite often when a man thinks his mind is getting broader it is only his conscience stretching.
5. The purpose of education is to provide everyone with the opportunity to learn how best he may serve the world.
6. The man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away.
7. Train your child in the way in which you know you should have gone yourself.
8. Parenthood: that state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.
9. A pat on the back helps develop character - if given often enough, early enough, and low enough.
10. Only ask your child what he wants for dinner if he's buying. - Fran Lebowitz
11. Any time a child can be seen but not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
12. Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
13. The school will teach children how to read, but the environment of the home must teach them what to read. The school can teach them ow to think, but the home must teach them how to behave.
14. Most American children suffer too much mother and too little father. - Gloria Steinem
15. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James
16. An adopted baby is a wanted baby, which gives it an unfair advantage over a lot of other children.
17. The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.
18. Educate men without religion and you made of them but clever devils. - Duke of Wellington
19. A university is a college that has ceased to care about its students.

Quotes Vol. 4

With the upcoming Presidential election already under way, I thought a few political quotes might be fitting. As always, if you know who said it and I don't have it credited, please let me know.

1. Nothing so conclusively proves a man's ability to lead others as what he does from day to day to lead himself. - Thomas J. Watson

2. The tree of liberty only grows when watered by the blood of tyrants. - Bertrand Barere de Vieuzac

3. Nothing which is morally wrong can ever be politically right.

4.What is a communist? One who hath yearnings for equal division of unequal earning. - Ebenezer Elliott

5. The power to tax involves the power to destroy. - John Marshall

6. There is no mistake; there has been no mistake; and there shall be no mistake. - Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington

7. The more is given the less the people will work for themselves, and the less they work the more their poverty will increase. - Tolstoi

8. Diplomacy is the art of patting a dog and saying 'nice doggie' while looking for a stick to knock his brains out.

9. Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln

10. Seems it always happens. Whenever we get too high-hat, too sophisticated for flag-waving... some thug nation decides we're a pushover, all ready to be blackjacked. And it isn't long before we're looking up anxiously to be sure the flag's still waving over us. - George M. Cohen (James Cagney) “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” 1942

11. Good people sleep peaceable in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf. - George Orwell

Quotes Vol. 3

1. Fear not that your life shall come to an end, but rather fear that it never has a beginning. - John Henry Cardinal Newman
2. A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work. - Sir John Lubbock
3. He does not believe who does not live according to his beliefs. - Thomas Fuller
4. We see things as we are, not as they are. - Leo Rosten
5. Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
6. It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn't. - Martin Van Buren
7. The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it's the same problem you had last year. - John Foster Dulles
8. My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure. - Abraham Lincoln
9. Perfect valor is to do unwitnessed what we should be capable of doing before all the world. - La Rochefoucauld
10. The fellow who worries about what people think of him wouldn't worry so much if he only knew how seldom they do.
11. Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow. - Swedish Proverb
12. A man's reputation is only what men think him to be; his character is what God knows him to be.
13. My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there is much less competition. - Indira Gandhi
14. Little things affect little minds. - Benjamin Disraeli
15. The secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
16. What you are is God's gift to you. What you make of it is your gift to God. - Anthony Dalla Villa
17. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. - Herm Albright
18. We confess our little faults only to persuade others that we have no great ones. - La Rochefoucauld

Quotes Vol. 2

I'm working on a more creative post, so today's post will be another volume of favorite quotes. Today's topic - religion:

1. I know God will not give me anything I cannot handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Teresa

2. There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, “All right, then, have it your way.” -C.S. Lewis

3. A religion without mystery must be a religion without God.

4. Never be afraid of giving up your best, and God will give you His better. -Hinton

5. God without man is still God. Man without God is nothing.

6. Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you will get neither. - C.S. Lewis

7. God has not called me to be successful; He has called me to be faithful. - Mother Teresa I find these quotes from her amazing in light of the recent revelations about her doubts of faith

8. I do not want merely to possess a faith; I want a faith that possesses me. -Charles Kingsley

9. Hell begins on the day when God grants us a clear vision of all that we might have achived, of all the gifts which we have wasted, of all that we might have done which we did not do. -Gian Carlo Menotti

10. We are to be ambassadors for Christ, not secret agents.

11. The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried. -G.K. Chesterton

12. Is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire? - Corrie Ten Boom

Quotes Vol. 1

Whenever I read something that strikes me, I jot it down in my quote book. From time to time, I will be posting some of my favorite quotes, divided by subject. Today, it's humor:

1. Over the piano was printed a notice: Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. - Oscar Wilde
2. I'm extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher don't you just know exactly what she means?
3. He loved nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker
4. You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1400 times a day. - Ambrose Bierce
5. It's not paranoia if they're out to get you.
6. He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill
7. Most people are quite content to suffer in silence, if they are sure everyone knows they are doing it. I think we all know people like this!
8. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
9. Husbands choosing colors must have note from wife. - sign in wallpaper/paint store
10. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. seen on a bumper sticker while driving, and nearly caused me to go on my own way
11. Once a man's thirty, he's already old, he is indeed as good as dead. It's best to kill him right away. - Goethe Wow, I only have 4 years...
12. Show me a sane person and I'll cure him for you. - Carl Jung who was a psychologist, for those who don't know
13. Paranoids have enemies too.
14. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. the number of people I wish I could say this to...
15. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx I know it's kinda bad, but it cracks me up!
16. The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.
17. It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you. I say this to hubby all the time
18. Fat people are harder to kidnap. I'm not unhealthy, I'm practicing self-defense!
19. He is not only dull himself, but the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Foote

I try to include who is responsible for each quote, but I can't always track it down. If you happen to know who said some of these, please let me know.