Quotes Vol. 1

Whenever I read something that strikes me, I jot it down in my quote book. From time to time, I will be posting some of my favorite quotes, divided by subject. Today, it's humor:

1. Over the piano was printed a notice: Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. - Oscar Wilde
2. I'm extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher don't you just know exactly what she means?
3. He loved nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker
4. You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1400 times a day. - Ambrose Bierce
5. It's not paranoia if they're out to get you.
6. He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill
7. Most people are quite content to suffer in silence, if they are sure everyone knows they are doing it. I think we all know people like this!
8. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
9. Husbands choosing colors must have note from wife. - sign in wallpaper/paint store
10. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. seen on a bumper sticker while driving, and nearly caused me to go on my own way
11. Once a man's thirty, he's already old, he is indeed as good as dead. It's best to kill him right away. - Goethe Wow, I only have 4 years...
12. Show me a sane person and I'll cure him for you. - Carl Jung who was a psychologist, for those who don't know
13. Paranoids have enemies too.
14. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. the number of people I wish I could say this to...
15. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx I know it's kinda bad, but it cracks me up!
16. The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.
17. It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you. I say this to hubby all the time
18. Fat people are harder to kidnap. I'm not unhealthy, I'm practicing self-defense!
19. He is not only dull himself, but the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Foote

I try to include who is responsible for each quote, but I can't always track it down. If you happen to know who said some of these, please let me know.