July 6, 2009

Words of Wisdom from Hubby

A few funny lines from e-mails hubby has sent me. Because I'm too lazy to come up with an original post right now...

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see them tumble down the stairs.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Laugh at your problems - everybody else does.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


  1. Okay, the midget one totally busted me up. And alphabet soup, too. Your life must be hilarious with such a witty guy around. :) Thank you for the laugh today.


Thank you so much for caring enough to leave a comment! I typically don't respond to each separate comment here on my blog. If you would like to ask me a question and have my reply, please feel free to e-mail me at heathershodgepodge@hotmail.com