Sometimes it can be really hard to believe. To have faith. Long time readers know I have wanted another child for the past 3 years. A desire that has not gone away, or diminished. As I approach my personal deadline to get pregnant with another child, I find myself questioning the situation once again. In the past 3 years, I have never felt called to stop being open to life. I have, however, felt called to keep having faith. Fragile, finite person that I am, I find this upcoming 3-year mark very frustrating.
About 6 months after we started being open to another child, I felt like God spoke to me about the matter. I felt like I had been told that I would have a daughter whom I would name Grace. That experience was very similar to other times when I know that God spoke, which led me to believe that it was Him. Especially the fact that I was told to name the daughter Grace. Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I've had a different name than that picked out for a girl since high school. So why Grace?
Fast forward 2.5 years from that encounter, and I'm skeptical of what I heard, if I heard. Yes, there's the name thing. But maybe that was just my mind playing tricks on me. Cruel, horrible tricks. Tricks that get my hopes up every month only to see them crash and burn.
I remember how I felt when I stayed pregnant with BB. I was so excited. I thought I had been healed, that more babies would be a given. I have never felt called to remain open to life all of my child-bearing days, and I have said in the past no kids past 30. As I find myself at 29, with a (almost) 4 year-old only child, I am questioning that. I don't feel led to call it quits. But I don't feel hopeful, either.
Did I really hear God? Or do I just want something so much that I thought I heard? But if I just imagined it, then what's the explanation for the name?
I try to console myself that God's timing is not my timing. I know that God sometimes has us wait for things because He's knows we're not ready. I'm okay with that explanation until I wonder what exactly I'm being prepared for.