June 14, 2010

Faith and Feelings

Sometimes it can be really hard to believe. To have faith. Long time readers know I have wanted another child for the past 3 years. A desire that has not gone away, or diminished. As I approach my personal deadline to get pregnant with another child, I find myself questioning the situation once again. In the past 3 years, I have never felt called to stop being open to life. I have, however, felt called to keep having faith. Fragile, finite person that I am, I find this upcoming 3-year mark very frustrating.
About 6 months after we started being open to another child, I felt like God spoke to me about the matter. I felt like I had been told that I would have a daughter whom I would name Grace. That experience was very similar to other times when I know that God spoke, which led me to believe that it was Him. Especially the fact that I was told to name the daughter Grace. Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I've had a different name than that picked out for a girl since high school. So why Grace?
Fast forward 2.5 years from that encounter, and I'm skeptical of what I heard, if I heard. Yes, there's the name thing. But maybe that was just my mind playing tricks on me. Cruel, horrible tricks. Tricks that get my hopes up every month only to see them crash and burn.
I remember how I felt when I stayed pregnant with BB. I was so excited. I thought I had been healed, that more babies would be a given. I have never felt called to remain open to life all of my child-bearing days, and I have said in the past no kids past 30. As I find myself at 29, with a (almost) 4 year-old only child, I am questioning that. I don't feel led to call it quits. But I don't feel hopeful, either.
Did I really hear God? Or do I just want something so much that I thought I heard? But if I just imagined it, then what's the explanation for the name?
I try to console myself that God's timing is not my timing. I know that God sometimes has us wait for things because He's knows we're not ready. I'm okay with that explanation until I wonder what exactly I'm being prepared for.


  1. Oh girl...hugs to you. The one thing I would remember in all of this is God's timing is perfect...ours is NOT! So, even if you don't have another child by the age of 30...remember, God may have other plans. Don't count yourself out just yet. 30 is not too old for another child...trust me, I was 34 when I had my 2nd. I know first time mommies who started at 40. Granted, I know not everyone desires that, but remember...GOD IS IN CONTROL! I pray that He will grant you peace and strength regardless of HIS will and timing!

  2. I know from experience it is hard to wait.We were married 6 years before Brandon came along. Your friend, Sherrie is right, and I know that you know that in your mind. Sometimes it is hard to translate that to the heart. I know you already do this, but I would encourage you to concentrate on making the most of the way things are. Purpose to practice contentment.As you said, you have much to be grateful for. "Grace" may come in a way that you would never have imagined. Be alert to what God is doing around you and be open to all possibilities... God is very creative, you know! :-) I will be praying for you!

  3. Sending you a big hug, Heather. I, too, have heard that still, small voice of God and then discounted it. Don't do that. Hold on to what He's given you. Rest in His provision. And while 30 may be your deadline, it may not be His. My SIL didn't start having kids (she's on her third) until she was 33. She just had her third at 37. You are in my prayers.

  4. And my prayer is that God not only births Grace in you, but the "grace" to wait and rest. If Grace is to be born when you are past 30, you wouldn't want her to be here any earlier than the time for her arrival because then it might not be Grace herself! God bless you, sweet Heather! Love you!


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