Those who have been reading my blog for a while know that back in January of 2007, I felt as though God was telling me that I would have a daughter. A daughter that I would name Grace. As Grace is not a name that I would have picked out, I felt like I really had heard from God. While I wasn't crazy about the name, I was thrilled with the idea of having a daughter.
As time went on, I felt led to share what I thought I had heard from God with others. As someone who hates being wrong, this was a big deal. I struggled with telling people for a while. After all, who was I to claim that I had heard from God, especially when I had no proof? I didn't feel "holy" enough to purport that God had spoken to me. But I did tell - first a close group of friends that I used to have Bible study with, and then to my readers. I held onto a bit of hope that maybe telling others was an act of faith that God was requiring of me. That maybe once I was willing to embarrass myself, God would give me what I wanted. I waited so eagerly that month, certain that I would have joyous news to share in just a few weeks.
But that didn't happen.
As my 29th birthday came and went, I was crushed. Especially since I have long held 30 as the cut-off date for when DH and I would stop trying for children. Only a tiny ray of hope stayed. I thought that just maybe, God would bless me with another child that would be born just before I turned 30. A child that I could say, "Look! Just in the nick of time, mere weeks before my self-imposed cut-off date, this miracle child of mine was born!"
February, March, April, and May came and went. No child was going to be born right before February of 2011.
I felt like a failure. I felt like a liar. I thought that I must have imagined the whole conversation with God. I was one of "those" people - people who claim to have words from God that don't come true.
I cried, I prayed, I questioned. I cried over my dream of a little girl with curls and frills that apparently wasn't going to be mine. I prayed to God, asking Him why He let me be so foolish. I questioned myself as to how I could have been so prideful to have claimed that God spoke to me. Who was I to make such a claim?
I never could shake the feeling though that someone was missing from our family. As those around me and in blogland announced intentions to adopt, I thought that maybe that was what we were meant to do. Yet DH and I never felt a peace about that decision.
Through the summer and fall, I came to acceptance that perhaps we were meant to be a family of three. There are advantages to having one child, and having colic and potty training behind us was nice. I nearly convinced myself that what I had thought was God was just my own heart's longing. Except for some fleeting moments of jealousy when friends announced their pregnancies, I was relatively at peace with my only, lonely child.
Then one morning in December, I woke up with a compulsion to pee on a stick. I had no symptoms, and I had even taken a test 3 days before with a negative result (I had colored my hair and wanted to make sure it was okay to do so). Before the toilet flushed, there were 2 lines. A miracle.
Part of me thought that this must be Grace. Why else would I get pregnant after all this? A few long weeks passed and I was finally far enough along to take an over-the-counter gender test. The test said there was an 80% chance I was having a boy. Boys are good, boys are fine. Perhaps I was supposed to have this boy, and then adopt a little girl. I thought how fun it would be for BB to have a little shadow trying to be a "big boy" like his brother. I got out BB's old baby clothes and thought how sweet a new baby would look.
Weeks 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 19 c-r-a-w-l-e-d by. Finally, week 20 arrived and with it, the sonogram!
So yesterday DH and I sat in a dark room as the technician smooshed and squished around. We saw the head, the heart, the arms, the legs, and finally she worked her way to the middle. Wouldn't you know it, the baby was shy? But after some manuevering, we got a good shot. And there were 3 lines. Three breath-taking lines.
God is faithful. God keeps His promises. Not on our time line, not on our plans, but His. I don't know His reasons for having us wait so long, but it was worth it.