I'm happy for all of the new moms, and their adorable babies. Really, I am. And hearing news about a baby on it's way makes me smile. But there is a lingering sadness underneath it all as I wonder if I've had my one chance and that's it for me. I've bought a new "I'm a big brother shirt" for BB. He's outgrown the first one without ever having a chance for it to be worn. I think I'm going to stop buying clothes on faith.
This past weekend with my sister was SO hard. I've dreaded it ever since I heard she was expecting. I know part of it was jealousy, although I don't want her baby; just another of my own. In my current mindset, it is easy to fall into the habit of thinking that many people who have kids don't deserve a kid like I do.
However, on the flip side of that, I often hesitate to ask God for another. There is a thought in my head that tells me that I don't deserve to have another because of my past. The thought goes on further to say that I would have another child if God saw me doing a better job parenting the child I have. I don't believe this thought, but it doesn't stop me from having the thought.
And in answer to your unspoken question, no, I still haven't actively pursued any medical avenue about this. Which is frustrating to me, because I am a "now" person. I don't want to wait for things that I want. But I'm also an afraid person. As long as I don't question the doctor about why it has taken so long, I don't have to get an answer that I don't want to hear. Yes, I know that "perfect love casts out fear," but I'm still human. I'm not perfected yet.
Also, there is the fact that every time I think about taking a more aggressive approach, I get the verse "By faith, Sarah* herself received power to conceive." stuck in my head. Not that I'm old like Sarah, but I often think that if it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. I'm sure that Sarah must have thought that many times herself as she waited for Isaac. Really, that whole reference is interesting in itself to me. Prior to BB, and all through my pregnancy with him, I never thought of Sarah, I thought of Hannah. In fact, BB's verse is 1 Samuel 1:27. So I wonder if Sarah comes to mind for a reason. I wish I knew.
I love being the mom to only one. In every way, my life is easier now than if I had another child. I just can't help feeling that something is missing. I realize that I have posted about this topic before, but it really is a pressing thing with me. I'm trying really hard to not get down about all of this, but it's hard. I'm having a hard time praying about it, which doesn't help. On one hand, I find myself just wanting to whine to God and go, "Please? Please? Puh-leeeeeese?"
I try to keep Romans 5:3-5 in mind through all of this. There are two endings to this situation. One, God will give me the peace to give this desire to Him and parent only BB, being grateful for what I have. Or two, God will use this time to perfect my character, which undoubtedly needs much work, especially if I am to have more than one child.
So when you post about your new baby, or your baby on the way, I'm happy for you. I truly am. I try to remember to pray often for all of the new mommas and mommas-to-be. But I might not always comment on your post. And more likely than not, I'll have to stop and have a cry.
*Hebrews 11:11, ESV. Most versions list Abraham, however, with Sarah receiving an aside, if any, mention.