June 15, 2009


I'm happy for all of the new moms, and their adorable babies. Really, I am. And hearing news about a baby on it's way makes me smile. But there is a lingering sadness underneath it all as I wonder if I've had my one chance and that's it for me. I've bought a new "I'm a big brother shirt" for BB. He's outgrown the first one without ever having a chance for it to be worn. I think I'm going to stop buying clothes on faith.
This past weekend with my sister was SO hard. I've dreaded it ever since I heard she was expecting. I know part of it was jealousy, although I don't want her baby; just another of my own. In my current mindset, it is easy to fall into the habit of thinking that many people who have kids don't deserve a kid like I do.
However, on the flip side of that, I often hesitate to ask God for another. There is a thought in my head that tells me that I don't deserve to have another because of my past. The thought goes on further to say that I would have another child if God saw me doing a better job parenting the child I have. I don't believe this thought, but it doesn't stop me from having the thought.
And in answer to your unspoken question, no, I still haven't actively pursued any medical avenue about this. Which is frustrating to me, because I am a "now" person. I don't want to wait for things that I want. But I'm also an afraid person. As long as I don't question the doctor about why it has taken so long, I don't have to get an answer that I don't want to hear. Yes, I know that "perfect love casts out fear," but I'm still human. I'm not perfected yet.
Also, there is the fact that every time I think about taking a more aggressive approach, I get the verse "By faith, Sarah* herself received power to conceive." stuck in my head. Not that I'm old like Sarah, but I often think that if it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. I'm sure that Sarah must have thought that many times herself as she waited for Isaac. Really, that whole reference is interesting in itself to me. Prior to BB, and all through my pregnancy with him, I never thought of Sarah, I thought of Hannah. In fact, BB's verse is 1 Samuel 1:27. So I wonder if Sarah comes to mind for a reason. I wish I knew.
I love being the mom to only one. In every way, my life is easier now than if I had another child. I just can't help feeling that something is missing. I realize that I have posted about this topic before, but it really is a pressing thing with me. I'm trying really hard to not get down about all of this, but it's hard. I'm having a hard time praying about it, which doesn't help. On one hand, I find myself just wanting to whine to God and go, "Please? Please? Puh-leeeeeese?"
I try to keep Romans 5:3-5 in mind through all of this. There are two endings to this situation. One, God will give me the peace to give this desire to Him and parent only BB, being grateful for what I have. Or two, God will use this time to perfect my character, which undoubtedly needs much work, especially if I am to have more than one child.
So when you post about your new baby, or your baby on the way, I'm happy for you. I truly am. I try to remember to pray often for all of the new mommas and mommas-to-be. But I might not always comment on your post. And more likely than not, I'll have to stop and have a cry.

*Hebrews 11:11, ESV. Most versions list Abraham, however, with Sarah receiving an aside, if any, mention.


  1. Oh hon...I can't imagine how hard this must be, but I have friends who have walked this walk before. It is tough, and it is trying. And -- yes...it hurts to hear about new babies. I ached when I had to call one of my best friends and tell her each time I was expecting. She'd been married longer than me, and still hadn't conceived. In fact, they JUST adopted a baby girl this past December. They will celebrate their 13th wedding anniversary this July. God knows your heart, and he knows your desires. Just try to remember to have patience and trust in Him and His perfect timing. Hang in there! And enjoy BB right now...he's what you have at this moment, so make every minute count! :)

  2. believe me when i say i feel for u. i tried for almost 9 years to have my first child. countless times, month after month i would find myself on my knees in my closet broken and bawling asking god 'why? '. i tried desperately not to be jealous of all of the other moms getting pregnant... but it was a battle that i often did not win. i remember very reluctantly going to a friends babyshower feeling like i just might break down the entire time. i wanted to be happy for her and yet the pain inside (wondering what it was that i had done so terribly wrong - to not deserve my own baby) paralized me. i wish i could tell u that it was my faith that finally prevailed.... but it was not. i finally decided to give up (sort of)i remember begging god to please take the desire away if he wasn't going to bless me with this child that i wanted so badly. after years of trying to prove to god that i deserved to have a child by doing all of the right things.... i am embarassed to say that i walked off into the wrong direction and into the deep end at that. just when i deserved it the least... when i couldn't have possibly been anymore sure that he would surely never bless me with a child while i was doing what i was doing.... along came my precious son. i almost lost him several times. i always hesitate to tell this story because i'm afraid that someone might be tempted to give up the way i did. my hope is that anyone reading it will see it as a lesson in grace... and a huge lesson at that. just when i deserved it the least, god made sure to let me know that it was his goodness that mattered, not mine. and the whole 'timing' thing... i venture to guess that this just might make u cringe (as it used to do to me - i had heard it soooo many times). he really does know the best time to give us things. i thought at 22 that i was ready for a little one and yet at 28 when i had my first child i realized then how thankful i was that he didn't give me what i asked for when i asked for it. hope this doesn't seem like preaching. my heart truly aches for u. i'm sure i will not forget how painful waiting can be. but i also have a daily reminder of how it is truly worth the wait.

  3. It seems like it is everywhere when that is what is on your mind. (And I won't mention the number of baby showers I am ashamed to say I made excuses for because I wasn't strong enough to put on a brave face.) We were almost to the point of seeking medical advice when we finally cracked it. No matter how many times I said, "All in God's time" it still didn't get any easier.

    Sending prayers your way.

  4. Girl - it's taken me this long to figure out what to say... but I completely understand where you are coming from. I have to protect myself some days and not read blogs - because it hurts so bad... then other days - I'm okay in my struggle. Take it one day at a time, and protect yourself when you need to.

  5. I just wanted to share that I had a long wait for my last child - 14 years! I had my first 2 children at 24 and 26, then I developed hashimoto's thyroiditis. I had several miscarriages, and then was even unable to conceive, so at 40 when my cycles stopped I assumed it was menopause...We seriously considered naming our son Isaac!

    The amazing thing is that medical community has learned a lot about how to help a person with hashimoto's carry a baby full term in the last decade. In retrospect I feel like God protected me from more hurt when he closed my womb. He was not saying no, just not now!

    We would like another child, but at our age that seems unrealistic. We have begun family discussions about adoption. My oldest child said, "I only have one concern about adoption. What if we get a normal child? Won't he/she feel out of place?" So now we have to see if we can prescreen for an odd child. :o

    You will be in my prayers!

  6. Oh Heather.

    My heart breaks for you.

    All I know to say is that Jesus sees every tear that falls...

    Praying for you.


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