"I have come to the conclusion that my character has been developed enough. Thank you very much, but I'm good where I'm at, God. I'll just stop here and have everything easy from here on out. Okay?"The past few weeks have certainly served to develop my character, but that's not what this post is about. For me, I think that waiting for something to happen - or to not happen - can serve to develop even more character than an upset in lifestyle.
When I prayed for God to allow me to have BB, I sincerely meant that I'd be happy with only one child. However, around the time BB turned one, I started having a change of mind. Fast forward 1.5 years, and BB remains an only child. In this age of technology, when humans can make so many things happen, I don't feel led to pursue any treatments or procedures. I feel impressed with a definite "No, wait." I also don't feel led to adopt right now, even though adoption is something that I have always planned on doing someday. The proactive solutions are, at least for now, a door closed to me.
I know that there are so many people out there who desperately want one child, and they swear that they won't ever ask for another. To those people, I undoubtedly seem selfish and ungrateful for what I have. I don't believe that is the case with me, but I know that most people are blind to their own faults. I find it hard to believe that this is a selfish desire. My past experience served to purge any foolish ideas about childbirth from me. I know what I am wanting to get into. I believe that because I want to go through all of that again, I must be meant to go through it again.
I can only assume that since God is all-knowing, He knows that there is something in me that can only be perfected through this experience. Perhaps He wants to make me aware of just how precious the gift of life truly is. Or perhaps this desire really is born out of selfishness and it is something that I will have to give to Him. I try to pray "Thy will be done," yet I find myself adding "but please make _____ Your will" to my prayers.