I “accepted” the fact that perhaps I wasn't meant to have kids, except for whenever I saw a baby in real life. Or on TV. Or I saw a pregnant woman, walked by baby clothes, heard about someone expecting, or was invited to a baby shower that I didn't attend. I did pretty good at accepting, wouldn't you say? One baby, just one baby, was all I wanted. I didn't think that just one was too much to ask for. Especially since, as a teacher, I saw so many babies born to women who didn't seem to be able to care for their kids.
The fall of my third year as a teacher, I worked at a weekend youth retreat. My job on that retreat was to share my testimony, which I didn't really want to do. Still, I felt as though I should share, so I did. While working on the retreat, a time came for the youth to pray and seek God in the chapel. As a speaker on the retreat, I shadowed the youth throughout the weekend, so I was able to pray in the chapel as well. I began to pray in earnest about wanting a baby. I cried over lost chances and mistakes that I had made. I came to the point where I told God that if it was His will for me to not have children that I would trust Him to help me accept. But, I also prayed, if He did see fit to allow me to have a child, I would dedicate that child to Him just as Hannah did with Samuel.
As I knelt in the chapel, I had the impression of someone saying to me, “You will get pregnant again. And this time it will be okay.” I was inclined to dismiss the thought, attributing it to myself speaking to myself. The words didn't sound like words that God would use. I tried to not put too much stock into what I had “heard,” and didn't tell anyone about the incident. Fast forward to two weeks later, when I am throwing up and can't stand the thought of eating my lunch for 3 days in a row. I take a pregnancy test on a whim. Positive! I'd been down this road with the two pink lines before, but as I looked at the test, I remembered what I had “heard.” I took the test November 3rd, and on July 10th, BB was born, 11 days after his due date at a whopping 10 lbs, 5 oz.
“For this child I prayed; and the Lord has given me my petition which I asked of Him: Therefore also I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives he shall be lent to the Lord.” 1 Samuel 1:27-28
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