Five Stages of Napping

I am trying to get BB on a sleeping schedule. I've read what the experts say, and they say not to put babies to bed when they are already asleep. Instead, parents are to put them to bed when they are sleepy, and allow them to "self-soothe" themselves to sleep. Sounds wonderful on paper, sounds ear-piercing in real life. According to the experts, if I put BB down when he is merely sleepy, BB will talk to himself until he drifts off. This process is supposed to take 15 minutes. According to myself, if I put BB down when he is merely sleepy, BB will have this response:
Denial - "No! No nap! Not happening! I'm not sleepy! IEEEEEE!!!! WAAAAHHHH!" [2 minutes]
Anger - "How dare Mommy/Daddy put me in this crib! I didn't do anything to deserve this! Screech! Scream! Wail!" [10 minutes]
Bargaining - "If I sound cute and make cute noises, maybe they'll feel sorry for me and get me out. Pbbt! Ahhh, gagaga..." [5-7 minutes]
Depression - "I'm never getting out. I've been left. So much for baby, goodbye, cruel world! I'm going to lie here and wimper myself out of existance. Hmmm, Uh, Uh, Uh, gaaaa...." [10 minutes]
Acceptance - "Well, this crib isn't too bad. I am kinda tired from the hour(s) of protesting. Maybe I will ZZZZ...." [15-30 minutes]
15 - 30 minutes later - "Hello! I'm awake!"
They say that if I'm consistent, BB will be on a regular, self-soothing schedule in 1-2 weeks. BB is currently 28 weeks old.
With these facts at hand, I can only come to the following conclusions:

• the experts have never had children, and/or the experts are deaf

• I will be on "Super Nanny" in a few years

• BB will be an only child